Words ditch me these days! And yet, I have a constant stream of thoughts flowing through my consciousness through most part of the day. I’ve never tapped into them, because these are intensely personal thoughts, even though sharing them sometimes might be a good idea.
Most days, my thoughts appear to be repetitious. Why? Because, I’m stuck in a rut, and so is my life. I’m homebound, caught up in a vicious cycle of tasks and chores from which there is no escape. Some days, I feel I’m a wheel within a wheel, that must keep running in circles, to keep things in motion, so life will go on smoothly. And yet, I know, I’m utterly insignificant, like a cog in that wheel that has no power or capability to change absolutely anything in the world right now.
I wish to write of wonderful things but I cannot conjure wonderful images these days.
I wish I could write something uplifting to be proud of. But, apparently, I fail there too. Caught in the diurnal movement of life, I’m just doing my job to keep things running. Some days, I’m reminded of how consistently, I’ve failed to produce, any piece of work that I can show as my achievement—it drives home that feeling once again — of being utterly worthless, unproductive and hopeless. Thankfully, it’s only some days.
I often find myself questioning—Who am I? Where is my life leading me to? What am I supposed to do? My purpose? My goals? Where is my path ahead? Does anything make sense anymore?
The questions bother me. I’m still trying to piece together the puzzle that I think I am. A bundle of contradictions, a lost soul, a wannabe so-many-things that one has lost count of, a could-have-been-somebody-but-didn’t, a work-in-progress to be a better human, never quite becoming anything that one wished to be in life. A grand failure, in every way I guess—nothing more than a hopeless creature tangled in the web of life, constantly trying to struggle to make sense of things.
And yet, despite feeling so worthless, I feel blessed to have woken up alive in the mornings, to embrace the possibilities of another potentially fruitful day, when one is able to see the possibilities; those are the days when I’m optimistic about thriving in hope and wonder in a world that constantly pulls me into introspecting about our current state of lives.
On the days, when I do stumble upon my words, I realise how my limbs are aching from being physically exhausted, with my brains fried and my soul filled with numbness that knows no end. In short, I’m just too tired. Both physically and mentally. Of everything!
I wish to find my peace again and see my soul rise with new possibilities, new hope and perhaps, some new thoughts too! Words…ah, yes, some new words and some genuinely new ideas to work upon.
Have a beautiful week, friends! Stay safe and hang in there!
Written as part of our #SoulfulSunday freewriting exercise—a concept ideated by Vinitha, Shilpa and yours truly.