It’s been ages since I last wrote on the blog. I’ve gone through a tumultuous ride over the past few months. For days, the only thing I could feel was this huge sense of loss and disconnect after the series of events that took place in March and April.
Losing my writing voice hit the hardest…because I wasn’t prepared for it. If I could, I could quietly opt-out of life itself. It felt as if one was searching for the wings to fly free and yet, all one was left with was a set of chains.
Last week, I pulled myself together and started meditation after more than two months. It has been tough to find the oasis of calm within, even after trying hard for a week, but I can see that I’m getting there, one step at a time. Even after umpteen reminders to make time for self care, my attempts to get back to myself have been futile. I do not know if it’s me or if I’ve sunk too deep down into the abyss that I’m struggling to catch my breath.
There is so much to share on the blog but I feel exhausted and lacking in the stamina…to step back, re-open the morbid chapters and walk through them all over again. In these past weeks, I’ve only watched a sunset twice…nature walks dwindled out of my schedule and I stopped feeling the need to seek new things. Infact, nothing felt the same anymore.
Some days, the air reeks of staleness, while the walls seem to close in on me, and yet, I know that I burn incense and sage every now and then, that I clear the blocked energy in my being and in our home. Not the one to give up, not yet, but the heaviness in my soul weighs me down…all I long for is deep slumber and soak in the peace and the light…to cleanse my soul and find my path back again.
I have no words to describe how much and in how many ways I have missed my books, my drawing pad, my two blogs, the sketch notes diary where I had started creating my new project—I’ve missed the writing table, the morning routine, the flowcharts of ideas that I used to scribble in the diary and most of all, that elusive sense of quiet and calm.
Most days, I wish to feel light and fly away, to some distant horizon. Fly off to begin someplace else, deconstruct the person that I am…take everything apart and see how I can fix everything back again to how it were…to how it should be!
I’ve endured so much toxicity in the past months that it’s beyond my capacity to deal with anything any more…and today, while nothing in my world has changed, I took a resolve to message a dear friend and promised her that I will begin to write again…It’s my promise to reclaim the person I had left behind.
The irony of it all—some things that we have no control over, funnily remind us to go for the things that we do have control of, and that is the whole point. You never know how thankful you can be to the person who pushed you over the edge all the time, because thanks to them, you are now ready to push everything aside and reclaim your life.
And yourself.
Sending you lots of love and hugs Esha. I hope you find strength and courage to sail through these times. I am glad you are able to write, may it help you heal in coming months.
I feel like crying after reading this, because this is EXACTLY what I’m going through at the moment.
I’m losing a lot and quite frankly losing my mind in the process. I hope we sail through this and come out wiser and happier.
Lots of love <3
So much of what you wrote resonated with me, Esha. My March and April were such that writing was farthest from my mind, as was art, and I often found myself wondering if I would ever get back on track again. Despite all the turmoil you are experiencing, you have written a post that struck a chord. Your words, as always, perfectly express every emotion, every pain, and that’s something I need to learn from you. Hugs, my dear, for being so brave and writing this post, opening up your heart and sharing your wounds. It takes courage to do it all. It takes courage to hold yourself together despite the chaos around you and find tiny moments to look after yourself even when life and its demands keep mounting high, day after day. Hang in there, Esha. Take care of yourself. Do whatever gives you happiness. Life will change for the better someday soon.
I’m glad to see this post, Esha. There’s some aspects of what you’ve written that I can understand completely. But as we know, each of our journeys is so unique that it’s hard to completely understand. Sending you every good wish – for strength, healing and peace of mind!