Thoughts. Questions. Dilemmas

Have you ever woken up, well-rested and satisfied after having had a good night’s sleep and whilst enjoying your cup of tea, basking in the warm glow of the morning sun, felt utterly defeated, lost and hopeless?

I did. It certainly wasn’t something that I wanted to feel first thing in the morning, given that I had been working on a few interesting project ideas a few days before! Guess, that’s life!

I had a lot of work waiting in the pipeline through the whole week. My mornings are usually packed. With no home helps coming (as there were cases in our apartment complex) these days, I knew that I had my hands full that day. But inside my head, all I could sense was this extremely overpowering emptiness.

Empty of the one thing that I never ran out of, earlier—hope!

Life changes rock us like that. Illnesses of our loved ones, fear of death, lack of purpose or meaning in our work. There have been plenty to deal with, on the personal front. As a consequence, writing and other projects have been relegated to the background. Things that I loved doing suddenly seem to be very distant from my current reality. The things that keep me busy no longer speak to my heart although they are always executed with due diligence and sincerity. On most days, I find myself at war with myself. And then, it all comes down to one thing—what’s the point of it all?

I don;t know. I do not have the answers. Those exciting plans that one was nurturing over the years seem totally meaningless. One looks into the mirror and dislikes the face one sees. The writing table looks bare, since nothing—trust me, not even a word was written there, over the past two weeks. I couldn’t bring myself to think of the book project either. Despite the fact that my diary shows me the deadlines and the word counts and everything else that one had lovingly put into the planning over the past weeks. We do not seem to be getting anywhere, sadly.

And about all those other things that were once part of the agenda—whatever happened to them? I’d love to, but right now, I cannot see them happening, either, because, life throws new challenges every week and I feel my life is like that boat that is rocking right now, which the waves are ready to engulf any minute. I’m waiting, it seems to be dragged down to the bottom of the ocean floor, to be pinned until I can move no more. Deep down, I know that this was never the destination that I’d ever settle for, but most days, I think that’s where I seem to be heading for, slowly and surely.

The dilemma this time is only too real—to accept things may be easier and fighting back might add to constant pressures.

And then, I find myself asking—Should I go with the heart when it asks— “Why me?” or should I challenge the unknown, with a “Try me?”

Thoughts, questions, dilemmas and more questions, but never the answers.

Written as part of our #SoulfulSunday free writing exercise, along with my friend Vinitha.

7 thoughts

  1. I’ve had a lot of days like that. I know what you feel. That thought “what’s the point of it all” The darkness descends and that is why the word I chose for this year is order. If I can’t find the passion , let me at least have order so that there is a system so that things get done without me needing to put in the emotions that I don’t have.

  2. Oh, yes, I can relate. And I felt this way much more often when worried about my kids or about work – when I felt as though their challenges were mine, or mine to somehow “fix,” and I felt inadequate to the task. And you know what? My kids are grown and capable of standing on their own two feet, with or without me. I’ve retired; work goes on. I write, yet some days the words don’t come and the universe whispers, “Sneak up on it. Do something else for a while, until the words come tug on your sleeve, begging to be written. Then be coy, tell the words that you’ll get back to them when you’ve finished sketching this teapot.”

    Another thing – see if you can’t categorize the challenges thrown at you daily. Maybe the old Stephen Covey quadrants: Urgent & Important; Urgent But Not Important; Not Urgent But Important; Neither Urgent Nor Important. Or “challenges that excite me”; “challenges that try my patience”; “others’ challenges that I have to meet to keep food on the table”; “others’ challenges that I should ignore and let THEM handle.” You’re not the boss of the world. 😉 It’s not all your fault if things break.

    1. “challenges that excite me”; “challenges that try my patience”; “others’ challenges that I have to meet to keep food on the table”; “others’ challenges that I should ignore and let THEM handle.” I love this!

  3. I can so relate to this, Esha. I had quite a few of these type of days in January – and I don’t even half a fraction of the issues you are dealing with. But we put one foot in front of the other and go on, because we know that we life will turn around and what really lights us up is never lost, just delayed. Hugs.

  4. Some days are like that. Burdened with questions, not a trace of an answer anywhere… Let it be, Esha. Not all days are supposed to be productive and well managed. One of these days you will see yourself holding the answers you were looking for. One of these days you will look into the mirror and find someone so ravishing that you will fall in love all over again with yourself. One of these days you will get to admire the grit and resilience shown by you that have been carrying you forward. Looking forward to finding more details on the book project soon, Esha.
    Remember, when nothing seems to be right, pause and take deep breaths.

    1. Thank you for your ever so kind words, Vinitha. I hope and wait for better times too!! ❤️❤️

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