In a long time, I’ve never felt this weighed down as I’ve felt over the past two days—I could feel the rawness of my emotions seep into the soul. I tried to ease myself out by holding space for that feeling to settle on its own, but it didn’t. So, I took recourse to journalling and relieved myself. Writing down my thoughts usually works. It did, for a while.
Later in the day, an old friend of mine called. We connected after a long time and I gathered that she had been struggling to come to terms with the breakdown of her relationship that had already reached its’ nadir!
They seemed like an ideal couple, extremely loving and deeply devoted to each other in the early years. It was a shocker to know how things had gone spiralling down. My friend was grieving her loss and the entire weight of that inevitability seemed to have fallen on her lack of ability to talk things out with her partner. It was a heavy conversation. I tried but obviously couldn’t help her feel any better. By the time our call got over, I felt drained and depleted.
That evening, as I went for my walk, I recalled reading something about why having deep conversations are important in any relationships…particularly those that we generally avoid, for fear of displeasing our partners. I can’t recall who said it but it went something like this:
“The health of your relationship will come down to how comfortable you can get having uncomfortable conversations on a regular basis.”
Everyone today leads a busy life. We are all rushing to get somewhere, our lives hanging precariously, suspended by endless to-do lists, and the demands of everyday living. How often do we pause to think of nurturing our connections with one another? Sometimes, all we need is to lift our eyes from our gadgets and talk to each other without any distractions. That emphasis on quality time, is so essential in any relationship and yet, so many break ups are rooted in the lack of deep connections between people.
I think, all of us are broken somewhere and this brokenness is something that we all try to conceal in a thousand ways.
But what if we unmasked ourselves and showed up in our relationships with ourselves and the world, with authenticity? What if we were not afraid to question things before they began spiralling down?
In reflection, I think, the kindest act one can do is to be honest with oneself and others. You cannot be a people pleaser and be authentic as a person. The courage to be brave always carries within itself the vulnerability to be hurt.
Is that why we fear to bare our innermost emotions and thoughts even to those we are very close? Maybe.
Perhaps, exposing our vulnerability scares the hell out of us. But, maybe, that will be some food for thought, for all of us to ponder upon. What do you say?
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Friday Reflections is a link-up hosted by Corinne at The Frangipani Creative, Shalini at Kohl Eyed Me and Parul at Happinessandfood, every First Friday of the month, based on the prompts provided by them or as free write. You can find the prompts for this month here.
Very wonderfully articulated Esha.
I guess communications start breaking down when we speak with unkindness, and without watching our words. I have seen the words we speak to ourselves, becomes our way of communicating to others as well.
Deep connections with others happen when we feel connected to one self with kindness.
Yes, it’s so important to be communicate without having others judge or give advice. Sometimes all we humans need is a listening ear.
I have learnt over the years that being vulnerable and open with our near and dear ones is one of the best ways to heal.
I absolutely love this TED talk by Brenè Brown which you must hear, if you haven’t; and even if you have it’s lovely to tune into again. Here’s the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
I pray for your friend’s well being.
Stay wonderful and blessed.
“The health of your relationship will come down to how comfortable you can get having uncomfortable conversations on a regular basis.”
This is so so true. So sorry for your friend and I can imagine how you felt. I have had friends open up with me and sometimes there are no answers but nods to acknowledge we are listening. Esha, I have always loved reading your musings. They are thought provoking and make me thing and ponder. I am so glad you chose to write down how you felt. Thanks for joining, Friday Reflections and looking forward to seeing you again.
Thank you so very much, Parul. I was so happy to see that #FridayReflections is back with you three!! Write the post rather on the spur of the moment – it wasn’t planned per se but I did manage to declutter the baggage that was sitting inside me. So happy to hear your kind words, Parul. I’m grateful that we are connected through our blogging journeys. Would love to plan a meet-up sometime after mid-March if and when you are free. Take care.
You are right, Esha. When you can have an uncomfortable conversation with ease with your partner, that says a lot about the kind of relationship you are sharing. Otherwise, if it only appears all well, because you are holding your breath and walking as if on eggshells, that too says a lot about the relationship you are sharing.
I am the queen of uncomfortable conversations, be it with my husband, kids, or my sister. They are most important to me than anyone else in this world. So I don’t hide behind anything, instead have the conversation and confront everything together. It was not easy for my husband during the early phase of our relationship, but as we are growing old together sometimes he also takes the lead in bringing up such conversations. It makes me feel happier.
Listening to others pain, especially a friend’s pain when you can’t help alleviate it, definitely will deplete one’s energy. I would say, it’s okay to be a listening ear. It’s also okay not to beat yourself up for not being able to help. When she comes to term with the lessons of her relationship and its brokenness, she will be helped. Sometimes we are to stay back and just be there for others, not carry their pain for them, you know.
I was on a rambly mode. Oh well! 😉
The context of this post is serious that I don’t think I have anything worthwhile to say. The one thing I have learned in my life is that even if we go ahead showing our vulnerability and holding deep talks, if we are broken from inside then no amount of talks can help us or our realtionships. The foremost need is to fix ourselves finding our healings, which essentially come from within and no other external person can bring it to us, the relationships may or may not end up working out. Apologies if I am sounding preachy.
A friendly advice (which could have been offline too, yet still) – Try to stay away from phone calls when you are not feeling well yourself. A heavy heart can do without some equal compnay.
Relationships are complex. I think, we should be honest and be kind with others. That will solve a lot of heartbreaks.
We just celebrated a decade of togetherness and I am slowly learning this. It was hard to have difficult conversations at first, but I think we are doing okay. Thank you for this beautiful post which is loaded with wisdom!
As always, your post is full of so much wisdom, Esha.
I come from a family that tended not to discuss uncomfortable truths. If anything was said, it was in anger. If not, things were swept under the carpet. I always felt like a bit of an outsider for digging up stuff to discuss, because I was shut down quite quickly. Sometimes there’d be gaslighting involved – like something happened only in my imagination!
With Jose too, I used tend to take the lead to bring up uncomfortable conversations, but we’re both growing in being a lot more open to discuss things immediately. To my mind, it’s hard to live so close to someone and not resolve issues or at least respectfully agree to things.
Listening to another’s pain can be draining. If I were you, I’d gently nudge this person to go for counseling – not necessarily to fix her marriage but to work on her feelings.
Hugs and love for being you!
Comfortably having conversations that make you uncomfortable, is a tough thing to do. Tempers flare, heated arguments follow, and the peace is gone. Honestly, I have tried it a couple of times in the past, but I held myself back later, fearing I might hit a nerve and things might blow out of proportions. I don’t want that kind of chaos in my life, not anymore, if I can help it. I know it’s wrong to do so, esp in a long-term relationship, but I would rather sweep things under the rug than disturb the peace. I don’t have the courage to deal with that kind of a storm, Esha, except once in a while speak my mind (at full volume) in a burst of emotion! ;P