Have you ever woken up, well-rested and satisfied after having had a good night’s sleep and whilst enjoying your cup of tea, basking in the warm glow of the morning sun, felt utterly defeated, lost and hopeless?
I did. It certainly wasn’t something that I wanted to feel first thing in the morning, given that I had been working on a few interesting project ideas a few days before! Guess, that’s life!
I had a lot of work waiting in the pipeline through the whole week. My mornings are usually packed. With no home helps coming (as there were cases in our apartment complex) these days, I knew that I had my hands full that day. But inside my head, all I could sense was this extremely overpowering emptiness.
Empty of the one thing that I never ran out of, earlier—hope!
Life changes rock us like that. Illnesses of our loved ones, fear of death, lack of purpose or meaning in our work. There have been plenty to deal with, on the personal front. As a consequence, writing and other projects have been relegated to the background. Things that I loved doing suddenly seem to be very distant from my current reality. The things that keep me busy no longer speak to my heart although they are always executed with due diligence and sincerity. On most days, I find myself at war with myself. And then, it all comes down to one thing—what’s the point of it all?
I don;t know. I do not have the answers. Those exciting plans that one was nurturing over the years seem totally meaningless. One looks into the mirror and dislikes the face one sees. The writing table looks bare, since nothing—trust me, not even a word was written there, over the past two weeks. I couldn’t bring myself to think of the book project either. Despite the fact that my diary shows me the deadlines and the word counts and everything else that one had lovingly put into the planning over the past weeks. We do not seem to be getting anywhere, sadly.
And about all those other things that were once part of the agenda—whatever happened to them? I’d love to, but right now, I cannot see them happening, either, because, life throws new challenges every week and I feel my life is like that boat that is rocking right now, which the waves are ready to engulf any minute. I’m waiting, it seems to be dragged down to the bottom of the ocean floor, to be pinned until I can move no more. Deep down, I know that this was never the destination that I’d ever settle for, but most days, I think that’s where I seem to be heading for, slowly and surely.
The dilemma this time is only too real—to accept things may be easier and fighting back might add to constant pressures.
And then, I find myself asking—Should I go with the heart when it asks— “Why me?” or should I challenge the unknown, with a “Try me?”
Thoughts, questions, dilemmas and more questions, but never the answers.
Written as part of our #SoulfulSunday free writing exercise, along with my friend Vinitha.
