Back after a hiatus on this blog. This time, I am participating in the #WordsMatter Blog Hop for September 2019 hosted by Corinne, Shalini and Parul. The theme this month is “When It Rains.’ I’ve used this theme both literally and metaphorically in my post.
They say when misfortune comes, it comes in threes. I wonder where they got that number because my recent experience tells me that it comes down like an avalanche in more ways than you could count on your fingers, ready to threaten our very existence, leaving us battered, bruised and exposed.
Oh yes, When it rains, it pours!
Since the year dawned, we’ve had more than a fair share of challenges to deal with, on the personal front. With ailing parents, increasing work stress, the spouse faced challenges at work, my own health took a beating, with the persistent migraine now rearing its head again and trying to take control over my life, not forgetting the teen and his own set of problems, I cannot even begin to tell you what a difficult year it has been so far, and what an uphill task, it’s been just to get on with life as it is.
I’ve lost count of the days when I’ve questioned ‘why me?’ as each day brought us new reasons to worry about and newer sets of challenges to grapple with. Some had solutions and some didn’t. What was challenging is that you were expected to resolve them no matter how tough it seemed and it felt that for a long time we were only having to juggle with impossible situations that led to us being totally drained out most of the time. A house move that followed escalated the situation even further and we were left wondering when this particular sequence of troubles would actually come to an end!
The questions have been many, the answers but a few. I’ve been battling with my moods, the constant physical and mental fatigue that has now come to be an inseparable part of me and my never-failing sense of optimism has been its biggest casualty. The mirror never lied. Every morning I found myself a little more despondent and withdrawn, from the world, from my self, and from facing my own emotions! But through it all, if there’s been one thing that has helped, it has been my journal writing, even on those rare days, that has kept me alive. More than that, I should say it has kept me sane and hopeful.
It is a perpetual struggle to balance the call of duty on the one hand and write, on the other. Even though the hours in the day are finite, it seems my work hours aren’t, so tasks and chores meant for a specific day naturally spill over to the next day and the cycle pretty much repeats itself for the rest of the week. I know it may not be easy to find someone who could fit into my shoes at the moment, but I’m on the lookout for someone who I could delegate some of my essential housekeeping chores in the hope that it would free up an hour or two for some precious ‘me-time’!
These are the moments when I remind myself—What cannot be changed must be endured. Easier said than done, you say? You know, you are right. I have no choice but to endure.
Running on autopilot all day, with no rest, or break for myself, I feel a part of me is slowly changing into someone I don’t really know. The optimist in me has receded somewhere in the background. Dark thoughts are filling my mind these days and there are days when I simply go numb. Or perhaps I should say, dumb! Almost as if I’ve been programmed to be a mute spectator, oblivious to the world and its’ happenings. It feels pointless looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and I no longer feel the urge to share my thoughts with someone and have a good cry, because my tears have dried up, it seems!
The challenges in life are many and no matter how hard we try most days, something tells us we need to brace ourselves for more to come, because this could be the calm before the storm awaiting us in the days ahead. The health of both sets of parents has deteriorated further even as I write this post. We are seeking expert help but watching the parents slowly succumb to ageing and illness is both very heartbreaking and difficult to endure.
What lies ahead, no one knows. We must wait and watch.
Meanwhile, did I tell you how the brand new DSLR is gathering dust these days? Or how the easel looks forlorn as it waits for the brushes and the paints to flow on the rough-textured paper? The laptop sits at the far end of the beautiful writing table almost as quiet as dead on most days, except for one day in the week when the weekly linky party goes live. The balcony plants look tired and droopy from being sleep-deprived (I feel like some of them have begun to resemble me now!;-P)
My writing table awaits me every morning and I am dreaming of a day when I can sit down to savour a beautiful sunrise, as I write to the soft strains of music playing in the background. There is nothing more that I’d love to do at the moment.
Until that happens, I must wait. I must wait for the swirling overbearing cumulonimbus clouds to clear up first. Right now, they seem to have spread all across the sky, ready to explode any minute. And when it rains, I shall stand by my window and watch the gentle drizzle turn into a heavy downpour. I’ll close my eyes and have a good cry that will wash away all the fatigue and the pensiveness from my soul and recharge every cell in my being with hope, light and positivity. And when the skies clear up, I know everything will be fine again.
Until then, wait I must.
(Image Courtesy: Lillaby at Pixabay)
************
I am participating in the #WordsMatter Blog Hop for September 2019. I received this tag from Lata Sunil who blogs at Hot cup of Kaapi. It’s my pleasure to pass on this tag to Shilpa Garg who blogs at A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose . There are 42 of us on this Blog Hop and it will be spread over 3 days – Sep 6th to 8th, 2019. Do follow the #WordsMatter Blog Hop and prepared to be surprised!