When It Rains | #WordsMatter 2

Back after a hiatus on this blog. This time, I am participating in the #WordsMatter Blog Hopfor September 2019 hosted by Corinne, Shalini and Parul. The theme this month is “When It Rains.’ I’ve used this theme both literally and metaphorically in my post. 

They say when misfortune comes, it comes in threes. I wonder where they got that number because my recent experience tells me that it comes down like an avalanche in more ways than you could count on your fingers, ready to threaten our very existence, leaving us battered, bruised and exposed.

Oh yes, When it rains, it pours!

Since the year dawned, we’ve had more than a fair share of challenges to deal with, on the personal front. With ailing parents, increasing work stress, the spouse faced challenges at work, my own health took a beating, with the persistent migraine now rearing its head again and trying to take control over my life, not forgetting the teen and his own set of problems, I cannot even begin to tell you what a difficult year it has been so far, and what an uphill task, it’s been just to get on with life as it is.

I’ve lost count of the days when I’ve questioned ‘why me?’ as each day brought us new reasons to worry about and newer sets of challenges to grapple with. Some had solutions and some didn’t. What was challenging is that you were expected to resolve them no matter how tough it seemed and it felt that for a long time we were only having to juggle with impossible situations that led to us being totally drained out most of the time. A house move that followed escalated the situation even further and we were left wondering when this particular sequence of troubles would actually come to an end!

The questions have been many, the answers but a few. I’ve been battling with my moods, the constant physical and mental fatigue that has now come to be an inseparable part of me and my never-failing sense of optimism has been its biggest casualty. The mirror never lied. Every morning I found myself a little more despondent and withdrawn, from the world, from my self, and from facing my own emotions! But through it all, if there’s been one thing that has helped, it has been my journal writing, even on those rare days, that has kept me alive. More than that, I should say it has kept me sane and hopeful.

It is a perpetual struggle to balance the call of duty on the one hand and write, on the other. Even though the hours in the day are finite, it seems my work hours aren’t, so tasks and chores meant for a specific day naturally spill over to the next day and the cycle pretty much repeats itself for the rest of the week. I know it may not be easy to find someone who could fit into my shoes at the moment, but I’m on the lookout for someone who I could delegate some of my essential housekeeping chores in the hope that it would free up an hour or two for some precious ‘me-time’!

These are the moments when I remind myself—What cannot be changed must be endured. Easier said than done, you say? You know, you are right. I have no choice but to endure.

Running on autopilot all day, with no rest, or break for myself, I feel a part of me is slowly changing into someone I don’t really know. The optimist in me has receded somewhere in the background. Dark thoughts are filling my mind these days and there are days when I simply go numb. Or perhaps I should say, dumb! Almost as if I’ve been programmed to be a mute spectator, oblivious to the world and its’ happenings. It feels pointless looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and I no longer feel the urge to share my thoughts with someone and have a good cry, because my tears have dried up, it seems!

The challenges in life are many and no matter how hard we try most days, something tells us we need to brace ourselves for more to come, because this could be the calm before the storm awaiting us in the days ahead. The health of both sets of parents has deteriorated further even as I write this post. We are seeking expert help but watching the parents slowly succumb to ageing and illness is both very heartbreaking and difficult to endure.

What lies ahead, no one knows. We must wait and watch.

Meanwhile, did I tell you how the brand new DSLR is gathering dust these days? Or how the easel looks forlorn as it waits for the brushes and the paints to flow on the rough-textured paper? The laptop sits at the far end of the beautiful writing table almost as quiet as dead on most days, except for one day in the week when the weekly linky party goes live. The balcony plants look tired and droopy from being sleep-deprived (I feel like some of them have begun to resemble me now!;-P)

My writing table awaits me every morning and I am dreaming of a day when I can sit down to savour a beautiful sunrise, as I write to the soft strains of music playing in the background. There is nothing more that I’d love to do at the moment.

Until that happens, I must wait. I must wait for the swirling overbearing cumulonimbus clouds to clear up first. Right now, they seem to have spread all across the sky, ready to explode any minute. And when it rains, I shall stand by my window and watch the gentle drizzle turn into a heavy downpour. I’ll close my eyes and have a good cry that will wash away all the fatigue and the pensiveness from my soul and recharge every cell in my being with hope, light and positivity. And when the skies clear up, I know everything will be fine again.

Until then, wait I must.

(Image Courtesy: Lillaby at Pixabay)

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I am participating in the #WordsMatter Blog Hop for September 2019. I received this tag from Lata Sunil who blogs at Hot cup of Kaapi. It’s my pleasure to pass on this tag to Shilpa Garg who blogs at A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose . There are 4​2 of us on this Blog Hop and it will be spread over 3 days – ​Sep 6th to 8th, 2019. Do follow the #WordsMatter Blog Hop and prepared to be surprised! 

55 thoughts

    1. Thanks for the kind words, Jyoti! So glad to see you stop by the blog and share your thoughts and good wishes. Really appreciate. Hugs right back, dear! <3

  1. That you managed to write this beautiful piece in the midst of all you are going through speaks of your strength and determination, Esha. I know how overwhelming these things can be, but somehow we have reserves of strength that seem to come to the fore at times like these. Sending you love, hugs and prayers. Always know, that I’m just a phone call away.

    1. Thanks for the love and support, Corinne! Writing this post was cathartic for me. It really helped me that I continued to write through the turmoils. Really appreciate your kind words and for being there to listen to my outpourings! Some days, all you need is someone to listen to you patiently, without judging you for your failings! Much love and hugs, dear Corinne <3

  2. I feel for you, Esha. Life has been throwing so many curveballs at you. Yet, I really admire the way you face all of this, with dignity and courage. More power to you!
    If you ever need any company to sit and watch the rains, do let me know. Lots of love and good vibes 🤗

    1. Apologies for getting back rather late. Thank you so much for your kind words, Apeksha! Meant a lot to me! Your offer to catch up reminded me of the coffee meeting we were supposed to have some months back. Lets hope we can catch up someday soon.

      Big hugs and love right back to you!
      <3

  3. Sorry to hear, Esha. I don’t think I have enough words to comfort you but I would like things to get better for. I can’t do much but I am all in and sending you positive vibes. You and your family will be in my prayers.
    I am glad that you chose to share this over the bloghop. I am sure the collective good wishes from all your readers will knock the door of the one above.
    hugs and take care. love!

    1. Apologies for getting back so late, Parul! Your kind words meant a lot to me! Thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers. It has been one of our toughest times so far as a family and we’re all hoping things will look up soonest. Until then, all we can do is to pin our hopes high and collect every good wish that comes our way. Sharing the blogpost was cathartic for me, to say the least and the support from everyone made me optimistic too! Thanks for hosting the bloghop. Enjoyed reading everyone.

      Big hugs and lots of love !
      <3

  4. Hugs to you Esha.
    Please know that you are not alone. I am travelling, if not in the same, but in very next boat. This year started on difficult note for us and the difficulties seem to up their the ante with every passing month. Anything that has helped me out, is my faith in the rainbow. Rainbow does appear in the sky one day, pushing aside the sheath of rain and dark clouds. It makes for all the hardship endured. All I want you to know that the rainbow is just round the horizon, till then hang on. Love and hugs again.

    1. So grateful to have those comforting words from you, Anagha! And, let me add, I to wish that things do look up at your end and the worst is left behind at the soonest! The curveballs never come with a warning and that very often unsettles us the most but, staying optimistic and looking out for that rainbow is a wonderful way to face an uncertain future! Thank you for being there and for all the love and support!

      Loads of best wishes and big hugs
      <3

  5. Dearest Esha,

    I don’t know how comforting my words can be, but all I can say is, hang in there. This too shall pass. I know it seems never ending right now but the good days will gently tap at your window and welcome you to a new paradise soon enough.

    I know all the pain, the pressures, the niggles you have been dealing with. I wish I could wipe away everything like chalk from a backboard. Know that I’m right here with you, praying for your happiness and highest good.

    Big big love and warm hugs.

    <3 <3

    Keep that pretty chin held high. xox

    1. Big hugs to you too, dear Natasha! I’m staying optimistic through these difficult days and hoping all that you say comes true! Can’t wait to see better and happier times with my lovely family by my side. Thanks for those comforting words, my friend! <3

  6. Oh Esha, I am so sorry to read this. I wish I could say or do anything that could ease what you are going through. When one does not feel completely fit, it is so disheartening. I was in a bad shape for the better part of last year, felt depressed and so very down. All I can say is that don’t give up hope. Keep fighting and you will see better days. So sorry to hear about the parents. There is nothing more distressing than to watch them struggle with health issues. Just sending you prayers and healing vibes, my friend. Do let me know in case I can help in any way. Hugs!

    1. Apologies for getting back rather late! You know what, life got in the way, but thanks to you and all the positive words from friends and family, I’ve been keeping my hopes pinned for the elusive rainbow just not appearing yet but promising to reappear soon! So sorry to hear that you’ve been going through so much last year! I hope you’ve left it all behind and have now moved into a happier space. I know we’ve been planning to meet up —lets hope we can materialise it sometime. Thanks again for the kind words, dear Rachna. It meant a lot to me.

      Hugs and lots of love
      <3

  7. Having faced a stage similar to this I can understand how you must be feeling. All is not lost until you hold old to even a slight array of hope and positivity. Do not give up. Writing about it whether sharing it with all of us or just keeping a journal and writing your heart out can indeed help you in many ways. Lots of love and strength to you. Do not give up as those are just the clouds which move on with the sway of wind and that wind will clear all the problems.

    1. So glad you say so, Keerthi! I know what you mean about that ray of hope that keeps us going. I’m not giving in and not giving up either! The journal surely helps me a lot and sometimes blogging about it and sharing it with the world also helps me find the support and strength to face things as they come. Thanks for your love and support, Keerthi. This truly means a lot to me.

      Big hugs and love
      <3

  8. I think everyone has their battles to fight, reading yours make mine feel smaller, yet battles are fought everyday. Hugs and prayers your way, every challenge brings a new learning, I think we need to see the positive side of the challenge, and go on as if we were born to tackle them rightly.
    When I had trouble with my injury, practicing mindfulness helped me a lot, it surely will help you too.
    More power to you

    1. I’m glad mindfulness helped you on your journey to recovery! It sure does work for me too, Menaka. It was not easy to lift myself out of the situation and talk about it here, but once I did, I definitely felt better! I do agree that every challenge brings a new learning! Well, hopefully, that will be something I’m eager to look for, right now.

      Thank you and more power to you as well, Menaka.

      Cheers
      <3

  9. Hugs, Esha! I’m glad that you took the time to write about it. I hope that your heart feeling light now. I am sure things will fall in place soon. I keep you in my prayers always. Keep doing the things which you love and take care of yourself. You know I’m here for you always. ❤️

    1. Thank you, Vinitha! I’m glad I found the courage to write about my angst and despair and so very grateful that so many friends extended their love and support to me at a time when I needed it the most! Life will bring me better days too but right now, I’m beginning to see who my real friends are, and who matter the most. It has been such an incredibly learning experience for me.

      So happy to have you as a friend, Vinitha! Do count me in as one, if ever you wish to unburden yourself and divide your angst or pain. I will always be there for you too!

      Much love and big hugs
      <3

  10. My prayers with you Esha.When things get tough ,the tough really get going.Reading this post was like a journey through your mind and I felt as if writing can help you be stronger and happier.A very honest take on when it rains.Hope things get better.

    1. Thank you, Amrita! You are right…writing did help me purge the pent-up despair and pain that life had brought along over the last few months. It was like poring my heart out on the screen! So glad you appreciate.

      Cheers
      <3

  11. Why you? Because it’s a season of LIFE, and you are not alone. Caught between challenging teen years in our kids, and aging or dying parents, and changing relationships with spouses and friends – it’s not easy, but you’d be surprised how many people are right there with you. It’s not a season people talk about much, is it? Just know that like everything else, it has its ups and downs, and it, too, will pass into other seasons with other joys and sorrows. The trick, really, is to notice and focus intensely on the joys – like little life buoys in a choppy sea. They’re there. Cling tight, and BREATHE. I’m not sure about the tears or the desire to talk it out, though – I have no idea whether those come back, or we’ve just killed off our adrenal glands by this point and that’s normal, too. I do remember hearing that my mom had felt that way – afraid, at one point, that she was INCAPABLE of crying, which is not at all the same as feeling the need for a good cry, is it? MAKE time for yourself. You are no less valuable than those you care for, and you cannot be everyone else’s “life support” if you’ve got nothing left in you to give.

    1. So true, Holly! I know exactly what you mean. Trying to keep myself afloat in the choppy seas, breathing deeply and living in the moment definitely sounds do-able. I might be doing just that unbeknownst to myself all this while, but now, will do so consciously which I believe will make a difference in how I feel inside my head. It is the stage in life that I know many of my friends are facing as well. and the problems compounded by our own physical decline seems to be drowning us all in a sense of overwhelm! Right now, mumbling to myself that “this too shall pass!” and facing my coming days and weeks.

      Thanks again for the wisdom, you’ve shared here. You can never have enough of them, I guess!

      1. 🤗🤗🤗 exactly. Now and then, on those lonely, choppy seas, you’ll spot a rainbow. Or be accompanied by a playful dolphin. Maybe a passing pelican will drop you a fish – enough food to go on till you’re able to catch one for yourself. But you have to look around to notice. Can’t be staring at that old wooden board you’re floating on, just waiting for the next leak to spring up! 😁

  12. (((((hugs))))) Esha. It can’t be easy dealing with a multitude of problems together. Its not easy when we have no me time, and even worse when our usual optimism eludes us. I’m sending you strength and healing vibes, and hope you find your silver linings soon. xx

    1. Thank you so much, Shinjini! I do need the strength and positive vibes—so grateful for the kind words! Doing my best, so will surely get there someday, I hope!

  13. You are right about it pouring when it rains. But the good things about bad things happening all at once is that once they’re over and done with, you can enjoy the rest of the year. Does that make any sense? If you are having a bad tie, you may as well suffer in one shot. Glad you have such a positive attitude though and hope that the sun shines on you soon enough. Remember there always is a rainbow in the sky.

    1. Thank you for the reassurance, Sunita! Might not be ending with one shot, though, still one must remain hopeful. That rainbow is still eluding me though!

  14. Oh dear Esha, Tight hugs to you! I can’t even imagine how you are dealing with al this. But don;t lose heart. Always try to do something that makes you happy. I was feeling so blue one day that I started having all these negative emotions and thoughts. Do you know what I did? I dusted off my DSLR (after 3 or 4 months) and started clicking away. All those beautiful blooms in my garden, the rare birds that come for a visit everyday and of course, Muffy’s antics were all captured. I never noticed these before. So, you do that. It will help! 🙂
    Thanks for joining the blog hop again. Hope you have fun 🙂

    1. Hugs to you as well, dear Shalini! Yes, it sounds like a wonderful idea. The problem is there is no dearth of things that I’d love to do but too many things are now part of my chores, which sadly doesn’t leave me with any time to pursue the things I love. I’m waiting for the grey skies to clear up a bit and hopefully the DSLR will also get to see the light of the day very soon. Thanks for hosting the blog hop! It feels lovely to write on the blog after a long gap!

  15. Hugs! I know that there are times when everything is so overwhelming, your mind just shuts off and you work on autopilot, doing only what has to be done and not what you really want to do. When this happens , I just say “This too shall pass away.” and that helps, because three or four years down the line, when you look at these times, you will realise that you actually got past it all.

    1. Thank you for those wise words, Sunita. Fingers crossed for these tough times to be left behind someday soon! ‘This too shall pass’—is my mantra too and one that I’ve been telling myself for years now. So glad you validated that!

  16. Sometimes life throws an avalanche of challenges in our paths. Hang in there, Esha. It might seem endless, as you wrote, when it rains it pours. But when it rains, also think of rainbows. Sending you many positive vibes!

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Vinay! Yes, that elusive rainbow will surely bring me hope! Thanks a ton for those positive vibes. Meant much to me.

      Cheers
      🙂

  17. A big hug to you, Esha! I can understand the challenging time you are going through. While right now the dark clouds of worry, fatigue and pain may surround you, but as you rightly mentioned, the skies will clear up… they have to… soon.
    Till then, stay strong dear friend!! Love and hugs to you!! ♥

    1. Thank you so much, Shilpa! I’m sorry for responding so late but let me add that I deeply appreciate your kind words as I battle through tough times.

      Big hugs, my friend!
      <3

  18. I had a lump in my throat as I read your post, Esha, and I so so wished I could wave a magic wand and make this difficult phase vanish from your life!
    It’s not easy at all to watch your parents and your little ones suffer, and that’s just what you are doing right now. And all of that is taking a toll on you. The kind of troubles you are facing right now, I wonder if even the almighty will be able to juggle things the way you have been doing!

    But, it’s something I read somewhere years ago, which has stayed with me, that God gives you only as much burden as you can carry. I know, you might wonder if God even understands how you are putting up with it all, but maybe God knows that you are indeed strong enough to carry the burden that He has put on your shoulders. We will never know the ways of the divine. His logic is unfathomable!

    All we can do is, keep going (As if we have any choice!) .

    Tight hugs, dear girl. It’s times like these that I wish I was a magician, or the witch from Bewitched. With just a wave of my wand or twitch of my nose I could have solved a few problems for you!

    Love!

    1. So sorry for being so late in responding, Shilpa! It has been such a tough time that I really would have given up blogging at one point, but thankfully I didn’t and instead, thanks to the blog hop, decided to bare my thoughts through this post. Nobody knows the way of the Divine, Shilpa and I don’t know if I can sustain this much for a very long time. It is getting to be very tiring but I know I will have to fight the situation and move ahead with my best face forward. It is not going to be easy but one must cling on to hope for better times.
      Thank you so much your love and those deeply comforting words, Shilpa! Can’t tell you how much they meant to me!!

      Big hugs and lots of love
      <3

  19. Sometimes the biggest question facing you is indeed, “why me? “. Esha I know you’ve been facing a tough time for the last year or more, but the fact that you are rising to the challenge, meeting it headlong and still managing to write about it, is a miracle in itself. No, it’s not easy to face the barrage day in and day out. You need to focus on getting that daily help asap. Every little hand lightens the burden. Hugs and prayers hoping things ease out soon for you.

    1. My apologies for the delay in responding, Kala! I never knew I’d end up writing that post, because it wasn’t planned and yet, once I did, it was unbelievably cathartic! Thanks to the love and support from many of my friends and blogging comrades, I found the impetus in me to fight back and stay optimistic through the odds. I’ve been arranging to get that helping hand and reducing my daily load of work although it will be some time before things actually change. But, even a small change makes a difference, as you say, so yes, staying hopeful.
      Thank you ever so much for those comforting words, Kala! Really meant so much to me!!

      Bug hugs and much love
      <3

  20. I am aware of your prevailing hardships and I wish I could say or write such words which can take away all your worries and exhaustion. I wish my writing was capable enough. I hope you find atleast some time for yourself in the midst of eveything.

    1. Apologies for the delay in responding, Anamika! Never knew my inner angst and pain would come flowing out like this through this blogpost, but the real challenge was pressing the publish button because the very thought of sharing all this with a wider audience, was quite scary (for fear of being judged by others!). Your words did help me way more than you think they did!
      Thank you so much for your love and those comforting words, Anamika!

      Bug hugs and love
      <3

  21. Oh Esha I can only imagine what you must be going through. To not be hundred percent fit makes everything else painful because the chores don’t go away, they just keep piling up. And they can be completely draining in their monotony. I do hope you find someone to take some of the load off you. It’s wonderful that you could do this post. Keep writing as and when you can and things are bound to get better even though it might not seem so at this point. They will. Sending you positive vibes and virtual hugs.

    1. Apologies for the delay in responding, Tulika! Writing and sharing this post was cathartic for me although it was difficult to bare my inner angst and pain before such a wide audience, that is often prone to judge one as a consequence. The love and support I got from some of my readers and blogger friends gave me the impetus to fight back and stay optimistic through the odds. Still elusive but I’m now watching out for the elusive rainbow behind the dark clouds.
      Thank you so much for your love and those comforting words, Tulika! Really meant so much to me, my friend!

  22. Dear Esha
    I can very well understand what & how you are going through!
    Yes, this is the most difficult phase in a thinking, caring, sensitive, emotional & responsible woman’s life!
    I would like to share a few things with you real soon..but as of now I want to say one thing..and I think you will understand the underlying reason of it..that please do not postpone anything for later. You want to savour a beautiful sunrise? Do it..no matter how difficult it would seem under your given circumstances!
    At the crossroad age we have to train our mind to look for positive things only else it will, as you’ve aptly said, become tired, droopy and finally dead like the plants left unattended.
    So my friend let us vouch to start living slowly with ease and train our minds to see not farther than this day.

    More power & love to you

    1. Apologies for the delay in responding, Sima! What you say is so true. Staying positive is the only thing we can do when faced with such crises. As for me, well, the love and support I got from has made me a tad hopeful and positive even though I know somedays the going does get very tough and there is little we can do except to face life, with all its curveballs, so taking it one day at a time and living in the moment, as you say!
      Thank you so much for those kind words, Sima! I hope we get to catch up someday soon.
      Bug hugs and lots of love
      <3

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