Pitch dark outside and very quiet. The only sound being the gently ticking clock by my bedside table. I must have been awake since long. When I checked the time it was almost 4 am. I was waiting for daylight to break. There was still time for the first rays of the sun to filter in through the windows. I did my morning stretches and headed to the kitchen to get my cup of tea.
As I prepared to set off for my morning walk, I felt a rising sense of pressure within me. Feeling overwhelmed, almost like a gigantic wave was hitting me and I was going to be swept away. The feeling of not being in control was unsettling.
However much I tried, I could not meditate today because I think I wasn’t able to concentrate. So, I let go. The sun never showed up. There were incessant drizzles and an overbearing sense of greyness that made me feel like I was mourning something.
I know I must be careful today. I know I’ll be plagued with self-doubts today if anything goes wrong and almost certainly, will be harsh on myself and sink into a depressive state. But, being aware helps. My awareness of where my thoughts are leading me makes me careful and take note of that moment from where things might spiral for the worse.
I don’t wish to, but I’m losing my grip. I do not wish to, but, I’m finding myself giving in. I know it is ‘normal’ to experience some degree of anxiety when stressors are unfamiliar, unpredictable, or imminent.
I have no clue how to resolve my situation but I know I’m not going to let negative thinking get me down. I need some time for deep breathing and actually do something about it.
But, first, I must find a way to deal with the stressors that triggered all this in the first place.
When things are not in your control and you find yourself drowning in it, how do you deal with it?